somedays i feel as if i am running out of my hutzpa.
do i have the charisma to pull this off, do i only write about negative obsessive thoughts of failure and the whole world reads them and goes, whoa dude stop aborting peoples good feelings for you.

so on those days my mantra becomes the old adage "fake it till you make it"

over and over in my brain, I can do this, I can do this!

the road is never easy but always interesting

lately i have thought less of my trip, and more about distractions, boys being the specific distraction of the moment.
I mean I barely have time to work on anything, and when I hit a tough spot, dealing with some sponsors in Mexico (I'll write a blog on this), some workshops that were guaranteed money falling through, and just the overwhelemed-ness of the trip my mind turns off and turns to other things.
Boys.

I turn to boys, and really at my age I need a man.

Luckily the Universe has put some sort of safety device on me and I crash and burn before any sort of take off with these fellas.

I meet a nice, handsome, wonderful boy that turned out to really be a boy, a little young for me, an army veteran (weird), oh and a junkie...
Now those that know me know I love me an addict, I'm not sure why or how but I did have insight on this during two conversations yesterday. Basically addicts are really interesting, they've been there and back several times, they are quixotic and wild, they are like a drug to me and boy how I respond to their chaos.
And as much as I am responding to this boy and wanting to leap into that chaos I am older and hopefully wiser and am trying to purge him from my chemically swollen brain. Currently methadone is his girlfriend and I will not play second fiddle to that.

Then I had a long time yo-yo lover bite me in the ass by erasing me from his FB life and putting one of my tattoos into his new girlfriends tattoo.
Now who would do that?
I mean it is sick and twisted and hurtful in so many ways.
I have written him off forever.
I almost wrote to him to tell him of my eternal hate, but was talked down by those that love me that have a clearness in their heads.
Just walk away, stop playing the game they said, and yes is my response, I have, I just want to kick him in the balls one last time that fucker deserves my wrath.
But they were right and I did and I am comforted in the fact that he has to live his life and for that I do feel sorry for him, pathetic twisted creature that he is.

Wow so there was that rant, guess I'm a little angry still.

BUT the whole point was that the Universe in all its infinite wisdom is saying to me stop with this, if you keep coming at me I will send you curve ball after curve ball and we all know you can't hit. I have a road for you where you will be daily amazed, this is your duty, your destiny.
I never believed in predestination, but this may change me.

So on I go not scolded by the world but placed back on the path

cypress tree

today i fell bent, defeated, sick. I feel gnarled and twisted like a cypress tree. Obstinate roots refusing to give, all my strength is gone but my roots have no choice, anchored in rocks, unable to let me go.

some days...

i look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what the fuck am I really doing?

I've spent the last 5 years rebuilding my life, rebuilding my heart. I have a great job, great apartment, I have $, I am comfortable, the only thing I'm missing is a partner.

And just like that I'm tossing it all away.

I know this journey will be a success, and it's been my dream, but...

Sometimes I am... afraid is the wrong word, but...hmm I don't know what is the right word. Perhaps it is fear.

all choked up

i'm starting another adventure, another blog, and honestly i feel all choked up. It's kinda a big deal, and there's a lot of pressure from a lot pf people all telling me what to do. i am no longer trusting me, trusting my creative process.
the daunting crevasse of "don't fuck it up" looms below me.

i need you blog.

i need you Ginger, more than I've ever needed you before, an open, empty sounding board that no one reads where I can tell the truth about my travels.

~sigh~

it feels lovely to be back...