is it lifes goal

to have everyone i fall in love with not in love with me, and everyone i don't want to be in love with in love with me?

i went on a date that wasn't supposed to be a date, but the boy turned it into a date and i had to some how gracefully extract myself from a mislead friend with a fragile ego.trying to move away from the graceless grabbing, turning the cheek to receive the kiss. it's been so long since i was in that spot, that unwanted seat of being wanted. the eyes giving in the intent that they want to make the move, sigh.

i dart and doge, i weave and bob only to make an excuse, extract myself and then double back once said date is gone to meet up with a road taking me somewhere that is no good.

another man that is someone elses man.
i won't cross this line, i can't cross this line. i won't
it is heart break ahead for all, even if that were the intentions, but are those the intentions.
i feel guilty but i have done nothing wrong.

for those of you that read this mess, you will know that i am fairly obsessive about love, an relationships.
i know i am.
it is something i'm not ashamed of but neither am i proud of, it just is.

so i was obsessing the other day, feeling sorry for myself because here i am a perfect catch with no one to catch me, and then it occurred to me.
well it occurred that maybe that was it.

i mean think about it, i have been blessed to be in love 2 times. these were long term relationships with wonderful partners. how often does this happen in ones life?
people you get to spend several years with, that you love deeply and they love you in return.
am i been greedy asking for more than that?
am i wasting the blessing of those times with bitter tears and remorse?

i don't know.

i have been in love twice in my life.
that is more than a lot of people can say, and maybe for me that will have to be enough.

a date that's not a date

i went out with a boy last night.
it wasn't a date.
he has a girlfriend, a girlfriend that i know and admire.
plus i'm not that kind of girl, i still have a few morals.

but i've had a crush on this boy for a few years, and it was nice to pretend that there were possibilities and that nice, sweet, fun men like him do exist.

we went to a fun bohemian event, we dressed up, we drank whiskey an soda and each came with a back up flask, we talked music, dance, art, cartoons, we laughed, we stayed up way to late.

it was fun.
it gives me hope, not to be dating my friend, but that there has to be at least one other guy like this in the world.

grandfather

my mother sends me a text today telling me that my grandfather isn't doing well and can i please make the journey north to see him.

i really don't know what to do with this request.

my memories of as a child are of my mother not taking my grandmothers calls, deflecting the message to us children that she wasn't home. of my grandparents, old and sick in their cluttered house, telling the same story over and over again.

the disrespect and rolled eyes were learned from my mom as she battled through her issues in regard to her parents. years ago my mothers parents moved from the area I live in to 12 hours north, shortly after my grandmother died. i made the journey north, gave my respects, saw my family, felt what was once close knit was really dis-functional and estranged.
i can't remember if that was the last time i saw my grandfather or not, i think it was.

and now years later the always sick is of course sick, and not in the hospital but hospice is needed.
hospice.
an end to this...this what?
what do i do with this?


a smoking pipe will always remind me of my grandfather.

i have very few memories.

i resist the journey. i can't/don't want to remove time from my life, my schedule. i don't even know if i can afford it. can i afford not to go?

where do these emotions get filed away?
will they sit in the "sort later" pile, until their words have so lightened with age that there is nothing left to read.

i don't know.
i just really don't know.

the great escape. step #1

STEP#1:
buy yourself a book and write down ALL the places you'd like to go in it.

STEP#2
write everything you'd like to experience while on this escape.

STEP#3
plan out a route

emotional clear cutting

how do you erase someone from your emotions? can you?
physically you leave them behind, you push them out of your thoughts like cumbersome foliage in a thick jungle path.
you machete your way through the trailing vines and the grasping undergrowth.
but can you truly ever get away from them, clear cut them from your emotional existence?

or are they like a bad penny, destined to forever show up, again and again when least expected, sprouting to life in your psyche and pulling you down.

maybe old relationships are like a term spent in purgatory, randomly plunging a knife into your heart when least expect.
when does it end?
why, when you think it's gone, does it return stronger than before.
how much life needs to be wasted in the letting go process?

the great escape

i have been trapped under a rock of everyday blahs.
it sucks.
get up, do what i did yesterday, work for others, blah blah blah...
my life is so amazing in so so so many ways.
but i obsess over my small failings like, why don't i have a boyfriend, why don't i own a house, why am i not perfect?

these are bullshit questions/concerns/failings, i see them for what they are.
i battle my discontent with overworking, under feeling. i tire myself out to tears, i am forgetting how to enjoy.
my time with what i am doing is coming close to up, and i am planning my great escape.
now those of you reading(god i hope there aren't any readers still) don't fret i won't be Harold and Maud-ing my way out of this life, but leaving indeed is on the mind.

i know that this is the right road because when i envision my plan my heart starts thumping, i get that jolt and chemical reaction as if i was falling in love, like the good love, not the lasts for 8 months of too much whiskey not enough talk wasted eye batting love.

i feel too excited to write about it, i like to keep my ideas secret while they're young and weak, give them time to grow, to become strong enough that they won't die when meet with the criticism of others.
this thought/idea is a flame to keep me warm with, to keep my heart from dying whilst i plan.

more to come!