Sunday, March 30, 2008

a year in review

a few of you have been asking me when will i write again.
personally i didn't really have much to say. or perhaps the whole truth is that i had too much to say in this past year. thoughts and feelings that once again can't materialize in words. the complexity of it escapes my humble form of speech.

but here is a year(a little longer) in review from my return to america.

i have put off writing this blog... well, because there have been so many sad lessons for me to learn.

sad in that sometimes my natural love and positive nature feels disemboweled by it.

i have learned so much about myself. i have become complete. no longer a half person wandering in a daze, foggy from using only one lung and tired from using only one leg.

sadly i feel that i had to throw away a great amount of my life, perhaps not time wise, but dedication wise, to realize the things i truly value and hold near. but having passed those things along i stand without them now.

i shy away from getting to personal with this, only hinting and what so many of my friends know about. no names mentioned no fingers pointed scenario.

i have learned the sadness in the truth of other people.
i've learned that in my mind i live in an idealistic world that others do not participate in.
i learned that boys are liars and disappointing.
i've learned that love isn't forever, and that once you've broken with someone they can jekel and hyde on you to a point of complete absurdity.
i've learned the extent of my gullibility and that my belief in others is wrongly placed.

but i suppose that in withdrawing my energies from those around me i had no choice but to pull them into myself. building, building, building.

i know what it is to have my faith shattered.
to lose my center.

i can't say that 30 has been a great year.
i think i can aptly name my 30th year the year of false starts, smoke trails, liars, and disappointments.

there of course are wonders and magic. a blessed life full of dance, teaching dance, photographing dancers, traveling as a dancer, days at the beach, dogs, family, new friends, old friends, distractions, meditation.
life still amazes me, and i can see my blessings everyday. yet.

yet life is something that moves and tantalizes you. pulls you with desire from where you are at the moment.

so in short what is it i've learned.

life is beautiful and i am blessed.
people are never ever ever what they seem to be and they will jerk you around given the chance.
sometimes you walk in the sun, and sometimes you walk in the shade
you must create the why for yourself.

and don't let this doom and gloom be the only thing i've learned.

i came home to no home, no Soy, no job. nothing.

and i have found my capability, and a job that's amazing, a home that is mine, a place in my skin.

still so far to go.
but that is all for now. -k