Saturday, December 30, 2006

day 90 something...

so day 90 something in my travels. at some point this stopped being a trip and began being my life. i feel so out of touch with things back in america. i still am missing my loved ones, but as all humans i have adapted and am enjoying my life as it is. right now too there is little but amazment in my every day.
dance is coming. slowly slowly. i find that i am quick to catch on to things but slow to perfecting, although nothing in life ever reaches perfection, its just not the nature of life.
i am finding my routine to be pleasently simple yet physically demanding almost to a point of breaking for me. i still want to cry in the cold mornings, to early to get out of bed, to cold to get out of bed. which of the three outfits should i wear? what doesn't stink? can i shower today? when will i have time to do laundry?
walk to the studio drink my morning fresh juice at the juice stand, go for my morning chai at the chai stand, go to the studio, more chai. enough chai to fill the oceans inhabits my body. my blood is a thick masala choursing through my veins, pumping into my feet and behind my eyes to make my dance full of spice. then warm-ups and stepping. my feet won't slap. it seems like such a childish noise, i can do it stading still as if i'm waiting for a bus, but as soon as i'm in dance choka the sound is taken away from me. i still pound the pavement and try to ignore the pain that has yet to leave my feet. dancing dancing dancing. then a break for breakfast, rice and bananas.
i used to hate bananas, the small made me want to puke, but suddenly now i can't get enough. i eat bananas like i drink chai. after bananas more class. i am learning the first dance, today i reached the end of it. i picked it up quickly but now my brain tries to reassemble it in a different order. we argue about this, my brain and i, but i am beginning to win. yesterday i was thrown in with our lovely singing man and the drum at full swing, i have to say i wasn't quite up to the challange, but i was so distracted by our singers voice i suddenly felt shy to be dancing in front of a small audience and my feet forgot their patterns.
after that then a break. one girl right now is very sick so we have been taking turns visiting her, she has some sort of parasite...nasty, but on her way to recovery.
after a break then another class, dancing alittle more, music theory, mudras, eye patterns, head patterns, neck patterns, hindu stories, and now voice lessons. yes yes i'm learning to sing in hindi. maybe after two months i will be able to carry a tune. after that it is late. maybe some dinner, maybe not. lately i have been having to duck past this rich brahmin boy that wants to "touch my soul" for me. unfortunatly he owns a shop between my school and my guesthouse so it's a little hard not to at least stop and chat for a few minutes. damn my upbringing. i never learned to be rude to strangers, something that i think is becoming a necessity in india. the art of blowing someone off, i always feel so bad, but for such a sexually repressed society the indian boys won't say the word "sex" but they are very pushy in a charming manner with forgien girls, i have to say i don't quite know how to deal with it.
mostly i smile and ignore them and make excuses not to talk to them.
but life is good, despite the cold. tomorrow is sunday and i can sleep in, wear my western clothes, and wash my dance clothes, these have become the simple pleasures in my life.
i can't believe it is almost january. i feel like i have been gone for a moment but also an eternity. i am consumed with dance and imagine the rest of my stay here will fly by to too quickly.
i am reaching frustration levels easily. i blame so day 90 something in my travels. at some point this stopped being a trip and began being my life. i feel so out of touch with things back in america. i still am missing my loved ones, but as all humans i have adapted and am enjoying my life as it is. right now too there is little but amazment in my every day.
dance is coming. slowly slowly. i find that i am quick to catch on to things but slow to perfecting, although nothing in life ever reaches perfection, its just not the nature of life.
i am finding my routine to be pleasently simple yet physically demanding almost to a point of breaking for me. i still want to cry in the cold mornings, to early to get out of bed, to cold to get out of bed. which of the three outfits should i wear? what doesn't stink? can i shower today? when will i have time to do laundry?
walk to the studio drink my morning fresh juice at the juice stand, go for my morning chai at the chai stand, go to the studio, more chai. enough chai to fill the oceans inhabits my body. my blood is a thick masala choursing through my veins, pumping into my feet and behind my eyes to make my dance full of spice. then warm-ups and stepping. my feet won't slap. it seems like such a childish noise, i can do it stading still as if i'm waiting for a bus, but as soon as i'm in dance choka the sound is taken away from me. i still pound the pavement and try to ignore the pain that has yet to leave my feet. dancing dancing dancing. then a break for breakfast, rice and bananas.
i used to hate bananas, the small made me want to puke, but suddenly now i can't get enough. i eat bananas like i drink chai. after bananas more class. i am learning the first dance, today i reached the end of it. i picked it up quickly but now my brain tries to reassemble it in a different order. we argue about this, my brain and i, but i am beginning to win. yesterday i was thrown in with our lovely singing man and the drum at full swing, i have to say i wasn't quite up to the challange, but i was so distracted by our singers voice i suddenly felt shy to be dancing in front of a small audience and my feet forgot their patterns.
after that then a break. one girl right now is very sick so we have been taking turns visiting her, she has some sort of parasite...nasty, but on her way to recovery.
after a break then another class, dancing alittle more, music theory, mudras, eye patterns, head patterns, neck patterns, hindu stories, and now voice lessons. yes yes i'm learning to sing in hindi. maybe after two months i will be able to carry a tune. after that it is late. maybe some dinner, maybe not. lately i have been having to duck past this rich brahmin boy that wants to "touch my soul" for me. unfortunatly he owns a shop between my school and my guesthouse so it's a little hard not to at least stop and chat for a few minutes. damn my upbringing. i never learned to be rude to strangers, something that i think is becoming a necessity in india. the art of blowing someone off, i always feel so bad, but for such a sexually repressed society the indian boys won't say the word "sex" but they are very pushy in a charming manner with forgien girls, i have to say i don't quite know how to deal with it.
mostly i smile and ignore them and make excuses not to talk to them.
but life is good, despite the cold. tomorrow is sunday and i can sleep in, wear my western clothes, and wash my dance clothes, these have become the simple pleasures in my life.
i can't believe it is almost january. i feel like i have been gone for a moment but also an eternity. i am consumed with dance and imagine the rest of my stay here will fly by to too quickly.
i am reaching frustration levels easily. i blame

Friday, December 29, 2006

huh? photos?

so 've been getting emails about photos i sent out and people can't veiw them because of a virus. so yeah i DIDN"T send out anything in a mass email, or with an attachment.

i don't know what's going on but it wasn't really from me. so i apologize if this messed with anyone, and for the record i'm not sending any attachments while on the road, or mass emails. i'l do it all through blogger. i will however send individuale emails so don't be afraid of getting an email from me. just be afraid of mass emails and attachments, okay?

so once again sorry for this stuff, i know it's frustrating.

so it happend like this...

so i was prepaired to spend a sad christmas in the desert. as i wrote previously i was having afecctionate thoughts of my used to be family and the christmas's past. i really wanted to be a world away for the holidays and forget that they even existed.
but really life, as she usually does, served me up the prettiest slice of cake with all the frosting and piles of flowers.
let me tell you more. i wrote a sad blog, and then went to hunt for desert for the dance crew. i pouted and got a little wet around the eye lashes, and then made it back to the studio. in our little slice of heaven was my odissi family crammed into a kitchen with a gas powered camping stove. we all crouched on the floor and peeled vegtables, made a batch of frosting by stringing everyones memory together, and just had fun.
sunday nights are reserved at the studio for religiouse hindu music and song, so at 6pm our amazing drum master and song master started their thing. travelers and locals alike piled into the little room and we served chai. the feeling of peace and love was all surrounding. the music, as always, was beautiful. the song teacher here has the most amazing voice and i am lucky enough to hear him sing 7days a week.
i sat between some people i recognize from the market, and one of the dancers and really was able just to absorbe the moment and the sound, to think of my time that i've spent wandering, to think of what i am doing now. it really was more than i could ask.
once the singing was done and the conversations closed we brought out a feast that was being put together in the kitchen. the whole school sat down and ate together. small presents were exchange and colleena gave me the most beautiful shawl to keep me warm, since i didn't have a warm one!
then we put on the tunes and listened to turkish 7's and 9's and were given lessons on turkisk romany dance. so amazing! i know where my next trip will be!
we stayed so late that we were locked into the temple and it took us 30mins to wake up the gate keeper. the streets were pretty empty buythe time we parted ways, unless of course you count the dogs and the cows fighting over the scraps from the day. it happened that while i was giving kimberly, another bay area bellydancer, a good night hug a big ol' cow came up and butted me in the back! good thing the mother didn't have horns because it hit me pretty good, kimberly screamed and ran away dragging me with her right into a big pile of cow shit. the poo oozed up over the sides of my floppers and stuck to my foot! oh it was so gross and warm. but really i didn't care, it made me laugh.
so then i set out for my guesthouse and the streets are really empty by now, pushkar goes to bed pretty early sometimes. i hear a motorbike behind me so i step to the side, walking quickly so as not to attract the wrong kind of attention. the bike puls to a stop right in front of me, and low and behold, my guesthouse friend. mr. filter-ji offers me a ride home, cow poo-pie shoe and all.
the next day was just as sweet. early morning to the studio, on my way a little barbershop full of men lean out the doorway and yell "happy new year! happy new year!" i laughed and told them that it was christmas and new years was next week. they shrugged and started yelling "merry christmas! merry christmas!" and one guy says to his client in the chair, "do you know what christmas is?"
we had a big family breakfast with all the food left over from the night before. this time the gypsys came in to help us eat, more music more dancing...i really wish i could say how perfect the day was.
christmas night we had a pizza party at colleenas house and watched a movie, did henna, called my mom and dad, talked more about dancing. walked home through the ghats looking at the sikent lake and the massive stars overhead, and curled up in my creaky indian bed with my fuzzy wuzzy blanket. yup a pretty perfect christmas for me.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

wax on, wax off

day #4 of my intensive dance course. i woke up this morning and really just wanted to stay in bed. all this time loafing in thailand has really done nothing for my stamina, unless of course it is the ability to sit in one place and drink for beer for hours. that one i've become great at. pushkar is however, and thankfully, a dry town, so no drinking. i mean you can find it in underground markets along with eegs and weed. funny combination huh.
well i did manage to rouse myself from my fuzzy wuzzy blanket and throw on my dancing clothes. i stopped and had my morning juice, then stopped and had my morning chai, mmmm fresh oj and fresh chai.
i made it through morning stepping class and am feeling more and more like the karate kid. i am learning strange stretches and hand motions, completely out of context. i'm not sure of their order or purpose but i am hoping that one day soon Guruji (my teacher) will suddenly challange me to a battle and i'll be able to bust out the "fast speedy" moves and be kicking some Odissi ass. or maybe i won't.

also i have to report that i am having the worst luck with digital cameras here. i've been trying to load photos, and been unlucky, and then yesterday a computer wrapped its jaws around my little memory card and wouldn't let go. it had to be illegaly disconnected and now the card, and ALL my india photos are gone.
i had to hunt around town, Pushkar is small, for a new card for my camera. i'm hanging onto the old card in hopes that the computer geeks that love me can rescue the lost Taj Mahal shots. poo to me and digital cameras.

so new card, and then i'll see if i want to load new photos, you all may have to wait for the 7hour slide show i'm going to tour around to each house on my return. veggie cocktail weiners for all, and little american flags for some.

as some of you may be wondering, christmas here is simply all night techno music parties at certain guesthouses. the day itself falls on a school day for me, so while you are unwrapping your gifts think of my little feet trying to slap the pavement over and over again.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

still here...

still here in pushkar.
i'm learning to NOT move my hips when i dance. to slap slap the ground with all my might but none of my body. kinda hard.

i was ambushed by a fake priest teaching me how to make a "puja" a prayer or blessing, they charge you $$$ later.
he asked about my family and i blew his mind when i told him i was an orphan that grew up in foster homes, and had none.

he later tried to get lot's of $$$ from me and then asked me on a date! shamleSSS!!!!

Monday, December 18, 2006

just to say

for those of you following at home just a note to say i am busy.
dance is taking over every waking moment. my feet are learning their place on this earth and my legs are learning to become iron as my torso is becoming flowers. most of the time i feel like the wall clock of the cat, head, eyes and chest swinging back and forth like a pendulum going opposite ways, my feet trying to slap out patterns, M.O.R.SE. code of the soul again.

i actually acheived a little slap out of my tootsies today, much harder than you might think!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

some flicks....




step step step

so here i am in pushkar.
i've heard so many many different things about pushkar. some people love it, some hate it. it is a small indian town surrounding one of the holy lakes in india. indians come here to bath in the waters and wash away the bad in their life. it is an all vegetarian town, no eegs even to be had, no booze either but plenty of hard drugs if you like.
at the moment the weather is quite cold and me with no jacket and only one pair of socks. as i've been on the go for the past week and really not paying attention to myself my body has decieded to hold a strike. it isn't happy with my go go go state of living, and now has become sick in hopes of getting me to sit still.
i feel slightly awful but attended my first odissi stepping class today in a fairy tale like temple in the heart of the city.
this place is absolutly wonderful. it is like nothing i've ever seen. and there is such a hush, a calm, a peacefulness that i really don't think can be found anywhere else in the world.
i have a room for $2 a night, and am moving towards negotiations as my time here will be of some duration. it is small and shiva blue with green shutters and door. there is a rooftop fillled with pillows and places to lay and just quite nice. around the cornere from me is i believe the only Bramin temple in all of india.
i explored to town a bit but have been trying to lay low and drink lots of juice.
i was pounced on by crazy hill women that gave me awful menghi and tried to charge me $12. one of them will be my future dance teacher...
colleena is out of town but will return tomorrow, her guru is the cutest old man i've ever seen and runs all of the classes.
i have already made a group of friends, this town is filled with forgien women coming here to study and dance, it is almost like i'm at home!
i've been trying to post more pictures but having problems!!!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

jaipur...

i am once again on my own, hanging out in jaipur. my frinds emily and kristina just left for the train station. we spent 2 days running around jaipur in touts so thick we never saw any famous sights. tommorw morning i jump into a bus, god help me, and i head to Pushkar.
i will be calling pushkar home for some time. it will be nice to be there, i love running around but i'm hungry to dance. i danced with some gypsys last night but to actually get to know them, get to live somehwere for more than a night or a month...it will be fun.
india is a trip. i fell like i've been placed in a bladeless blender. the center of a storm with the world chaotic around me. this place is great, i want to stay.
i will be walking around and all the sudden i am ambushed by thoughts so strong i stop in my tracks.
thoughts like, wow i'm in fucking india, this has been a dream of mine.
or wow i'm going to go study with colleena, another dream of mine.
life gives so much,,,it gives me so much.
but not all thoughts are sunshine. reminents of my old life float into my emotions, thoughts and things that are no longer me or part of me or connected to me. parts of me that are now so strange i think they are speaking to me in hindi about myself.
they are familiar, but strange, and i don't understand why they are coming to me for direction.
i\ve realized that i live life the way i travel, i wander and i wonder as i move along. i used to think this was bad. i was lead to feel that because i didn't have a dead set goal that i was defecent in somr way, that i need that to survive, to acheive.
i've achieved so much by being who i am and how i am. i thought that i would change in my travels, and i still have time, but i'm not changing, and i like who i am...
i still have time and despite my love for india it s not an easy country.
i already bought a sari so wath out when i get home, half baked white girl walking around in the states like an indian woman.
and one thing about traveling alone as a woman, i get to connect with the other women here. there is nothing like it. to find a beautiful woman that is fascinating to stare at, that is equally fascinated by me, and to catch her eye and smile only to have her smile back...such an amazing connection.
bad news though, i'm out of color film!!!!!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

india fast forward

i am in india. i am safe. i am traveling with two friends of mine and feeling comforted by this.
i spent the first 24 hours in delhi on my own. it is do-able but so hard to be on my own. if i was a man it would be different. but as a woman i am swallowed whole by the touts and taxi drivers. i am grasping for space and gasping for air. i am so busy trying to push myself away from those surrounding me i haven't the capacity to enjoy the things around me. with three it is better.

unfortunatly my friends only have a few days with me before they head south for a wedding, so we are on india fast forward. already the time here has felt longer, we have lived more than we typically do in one day.
we grabbed a taxi this morning, 6.15am, our set up taxi didn't arrive so we found another. the first thing we do is haggle a price, the second is stop for petrol where there is a loud argument in hindi between our driver and the driver of another taxi trying to pull into the same pump. we cheer along with our driver and it seems we have won. then are driver backs away and asks us to get out of the car.
they were worried the car would explode, so it is a safety measure for us not to be in it while he refuels. the passsanger of the other car is out as well and he is indian but speaks english. he informs us that our driver broke down at the airport a few weeks ago, and his driver helped him with his car, therefore the default of the gas pump.
no driver here knows where they are going, nomne of them are from delhi. they all drive in circles and drop you at random places and then want atip. it's really frustrating, but what can you do?

last night we wandered around the trsin station during the dark searching for an atm. it was filled with the poor rolling out their sleeping rags and giving us crazy looks.
we road a 2nd class train today and had a little drummer girl and performing boy with a drawn on moustach roll around the isle for money.
we reached the taj mahal today and will visit the grounds tomorrow before we have to catch a train to our next stop.
i am well. it is so beautiful and sad here. it is life amplified. a crazy disneyland that is both very dirty and very dangerous.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

all my bags are packed...

all my bags are packed

i'm ready to go

peter, paul, and mary are running through my mind and the theme music for today is leaving on a jet plane. since the loss of the ipod i unfortunatly have to sing it to myself and all those unfortunate to be near me.

i am getting a little sad to be leaving Thailand.
i rolled into bangkok for a little R&R and it turned into party like a rockstar.
so maybe leaving is for the best.
i've meet so many amazing people, and so many crazy ones too!
i lose the creeps and keep the cool, i even meet someone that lives a few blocks away from my house in SF!!!

so yup time to go. it's been a good go here in thailand. i have overall loved it! and really can't wait to come back!!

so think of me tonight everyone as i'm on a jet plane, still i really don't know when i'll be back again...but sometime.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

DAMN!!!!

well damn it's happend again.

i like to think of myself as a fairly carful traveler. you know, i keep the important stuff with me, where i can see it or hold it (most the time). i never ever put important things in my big bag, that's for books, dirty clothes, and gifts.

so you may imagine my, uh suprise when i find myself 6am streets of bangkok. i'm tired, sweaty, i can't find a room for under 600baht (i should be paying 170 baht). i'm wandering past the hookers, street sweapers, tuk-tuk drivers, and even two men yelling at me from a second story window trying to schedual me a tattoo appointment for later that day. this is really not looking good
i finally give in and take the next hotel i come to, a whole 400baht a night. imagine me as i open my wallet and, no money.

nope. none.

well where the fuck did it go? i had it.

i suppose the thing about a good theif/pickpocket is that they don't get caught, that you don't even realize it has happened. as i have now expereinced on several ocassions here in asia.

so last night i caught a night bus from chiang mai to bangkok. it leaves 6pm and arrives 6am. it is geared for travelers and is swanky and cheap with fully reclining seats and AC.

we get on 6pm, lights out. weird. usually i find it almost impossible to sleep, especially in something like a bus, but oddly enough i remeber very little of this ride. i did however have one of those weird waking/can't wake dreams. where you try to move your body, you try to speak, and you really really want to wake up because you should but you can't. i had one of those.

i really didn't think much of this dream as i was fuming about the lost dough. i thought more about how in the world did someone get into my little bag that was securly attached to my camera bag, riding between my feet on the bus?
then i got into my not so nice over priced hotel room and opened my big bag. oh yeah foul play. the big bag had been searched there was no doubt about it.

so i have my theories, and i have my suspects, but that's all i have.

luckily all they took was my cash, nothing else.

nice way to welcome me back to bangkok.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

the karen take 2

i got up early to spend a day on a motorbike. there was a hole list of things to do/see around town and for $20 you really couldn't pass it up.
i got on the back of the bike at 9am, and for the very first time i was offered a helmet, i almost didn't know what to do with this lime green hard thing. oh for my head! so i had to unpile the dreads and plop it on. it was a sweet little half helmet with a dopey chin strap. my driver wore one too. we waved goodbye, i clutched onto the oh shit bar behind me and we veered through oncoming traffic.
about 5 mins later my driver, when we are safely out of town, while driving takes of his helmet and puts it in the basket in front. he doesn't speak much english but TURNS and says "no helmet no problem, okay?"
i'm like "yeah okay but maybe not while we're moving" he just shrugs and goes back to driving. really on this tour the only thing i wanted to see was the Karen people. i could care less about another cave, another waterfall, etc...but what else was i going to do, you know?
once at the refugee camp i had to pay more $$ to get in and leave all my passport info. these camps are odd. they are way out in the sticks, and protected by police, but they don't really exist. they're supposed to not supposed to exist. i don't really understand and no one seemed to be able to explain it to me.
i had also been strggeling with myself, should i go and do this? do i want to walk into a human zoo and throw money at the animals so they will pose for a picture. i really felt like a jerk my first half of the visit. i stuck to photographing the kids because it is easier. i would always ask, and they would gt this strange frozen look about them, no smiles. you can see in the one i took with the two little girls the one is smiling and pulling at my hair, that was really it. they have this photo look when you get close and that is what you get.
i had a jacket on because they day was cold, but i figured these people get stared at all the time, and usually so do i and i thought my tattoos would be an ice breaker. it was. the people have seen tattoos but not color tattoos and not on such white skin, oh yeah that was my in.
come to find out most of these women speak like 5 different languages. they don't go to school but they learn from all the tourists that roll through. the older woman i'm in the picture with asked me to come and sit with her and talk to her. so i asked her all about her life and the camp here and her life in burma. this woman is actually quit famouse and in all the postcards/photos of the long neck Karens. she had a daughter that passed away last month that was even more famouse and really breathtaking.
after talking to this woman i felt more copmfortable about being in the camp, and seeing the people. i really just wanted to go crazy photographing, but it was hard working with three camers and not being invasive. so really i didn't get as much as i wanted. my driver came looking for me i took so much time there.
i thought about going back the next day, going to another village. but when something is so magical i hate to try and replicate it. i don't want to taint the first experince by have a second that pales in comparison.
the rest of the day was enjoyable, but mostly for the ride itself. we zipped along a road as curly as a hair plucked off a poodles back. my helmet was off and the day had turned hot. we chugged up step hills in first gear, going so slow i thought we would have to get off and push.
we made it up to a dense jungle. the road was full of patches of sun and shadow. we were going so fast the world became a blur of high contrast, a constant stream of black and white zipping from one patch to the next. and the tempeture difference. it was like being plunged into an icy pool and then tossed into a furnace. over and over again. the jungle seemed alive with a bi-polar disposition that it was taking out on us. my sense's became so overwhelmed i couldn't tell direction or time or place. i wonder how my driver kept us on this continouse path that seemed to fold in on itself, rising and falling and rising again.
we took this road to some strange chinese settlements. i could have spit an hit myanmar from where i got off the bike. we took a rest, we looked at a still, reflective lake, we drank green tea and ate pad pak,we got back on and drove back to town.

the karen people

after being a homesick anxiety ridden brat i thought i would treat you all to the amazing things that i have been seeing.








Tuesday, November 28, 2006

anxiety is my bed fellow

so here i am sharing the good as well as the bad with you.
homesickness and anxiety.
i left on my trip to figure out some things, you know things. thoughts bumping around in my head, a life to regain and straighten out.
but now that i'm here and not there it seems like the things i really love and hold dear are threatening to fall apart.
why do you have to lose the good with the bad?
why can't you lose just the bad?
nothing ever turns out the way it is planned or expected to so what's the point in forthought? or is the lack of thought and planning the thing that puts me in these spots?

this entire week i've been to places i heard are amazing and found them lacking, and then to places that are dull and found them full of quiet inspiration. no one knows the truth on the road, it is all lies and things you have to see for yourself.

i met a dutch girl that was 6'1 and blonde and said "fo-Oranger" all the time, i thought she was talking about the fruit.
i met a french girl that has heard of colleena and her school of dance where i will be going in pushkar.

i rode a bus up a mountain that was so steep there was a butterfly meandering along that passed us.

i sat and talked with women wearing coils around their necks that had to flee their country. they speak at least 5 languages each, weave day in and day out, and let strangers into their homes to photograph them.

i saw elephants working in fields just like an ox would.

i am in the mountains and there is a fine mist that rolls in and reminds me of my home. the weather is cool, the humidity is gone, and there are pine trees in the jungles here.

i haven't seen/heard of another american backpacker in weeks. we are like a rare animal that people hear about but don't really believe that they exist. i get into so many conversations and some where along the line the phrase "i don't really like americans" pops out, but i don't really know if they mean me right now or if i am an exception to the rule.

the world continues to fascinate and puzzle me. i forget sometimes why i am here. why i left. what am i doing?

but it is a ride with a reason and i'm not at the end of it yet, i suppose i simply must trust the process of it.

Monday, November 27, 2006

a little homesick

so thailand is almost behind me. i have been on the road for a bit now, and really am at a loss for what to do. with no plan i jump on buses. for those of you following along at home in the past few days i have gone from Chiyapum to some weird town i don't know the name of to Phitsanulok to Tak to Mae Sot to Mae Sariange to Mae Hong Son. basically i am traveling up the north on the road that lies between myanmar and thailand. i checked out the border crossing for myanmar and deceided not to go, which is probably for the best considering their bad politics.
i did however get to meet and see burmes people and it was cool.

thinking of taking a night train all the way down south, but it is high season for tourists and prices are sky rocketing!

mae hong son is a quiet town and the sun is setting. there is a lake by where i am staying and a small night market, so i am off to explore and try and deceid what to do with my tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

in my pants...

i put on my pants today, and then about 7mins later i realized there was a cricket in ther with me!
not like an "oh hello mr. hopper you're really cute!" but like a "what the fuck! was that a roach?" it was pretty big, like daddy roach size. he hurt my foot when he hit it.
yeah how i missed it i don't really know. that i didn't scream was amazing. i did strip with a quickness and then fall on the floor laughing.
i suppose that's what i get for hanging out in the village cuts.
oh and on a sadder note i think i killed my ipod. the only one that's going to hurt is me. do you think i can make it a few more months with NO music? poo.

the count down to india is upon me and i'm wondering what i've missed here in thailand and what i will kick myself for missing when i leave. what to do with less than 2 weeks to go?

my mind has moved on to india although my physical body is here. a little on the scared shitless side for traveling in india, but i get that way when i haven't been someplace before. and for me india has been so built up in my mind, so many good and bad stories. it is really hard to go someplace with no fear or expectations.

but don't worry i'll keep you posted.

and for the record internet cafes full of thai boys blow. they are so annoying!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

day 52 or so







back in T-town, for those of you who aren't cool (though i know all my readers are) that is thailand.
i figured, i am counting, that i am on day 53 or so of my trip.
i have fallen into a hippy haven with small clean rooms, communal tables, roads of smooth rocks, yoga, reiki, astrology, vegetarian food, a garden with shade to sit in and hippies.

oh the highlights of this place is a pit puppy to snuggle and my neighbor plays the accordian. a quiet spoken man that's been playing as long as i've been alive.

i ment to pass through nong khai, simply see a sculpture garden and take off, but this place has lured me in. the traveling is begining to wear me a down a little bit, not quite enough to help me sleep nights, but enough to give me a little cold.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

photos.....




spring break 2006 van veing style

still in Lao. i like it here. the capital of lao, veintiane is a little bit of a skanky town with not much to do but drink by the river and shoo away tuk tuk drivers. i have found some more jewlery to buy, but am such a penny pincher my anxiety kicks in when i go to hand the cash over for the goods, there are just too many decisions. i've already made some good and bad ones, but it is life and it is money and who really cares...right? i just hope i have some left for INDIA!!!

so lao has been a whirl wind trip, kristina left me this morning to go back to her sight, so i am once again on my own, trying to decied where to go. it is more stressful that you might think, ther are more than just the 4 directions open to me, i can go anywhere! but i am just a stones throw away from thailand, and i am having thoughts of the karen villages i could go visit, hmmmm.

but back to lao. a few days ago we were in a town called van veing, a beautiful vally surrounded by moutains, a small town with quiet people and lots of natuer. we explored caves that people lived in during the 70's (i think) when the USA was bombing the shit out of lao. these caves were huge, and about 257 people lived inside of them to protect temselves from bombs. considering the shit that americans have done to the lao people such a short time ago, they are really friendly and loving.
so we saw several caves and one was an underwater cave, or part underwater. we sat on inner tubes and wore miniture car batteries around our necks and lights strapped to our heads...we looked like the seven dwarfs but bigger and less in number, and riding on inner tubes. this cave was the best, it smelled like the pirates of the carravian ride at disneyland, instant nostalga for my sister. our guide was funny and barked and sang the whole way in to scare away all the ghosts for us. he's only been a tour guide for months and his english was horrid but he was so much fun!
during part of the water cave we had to get out and crawl on our hands an knees through a tunnel, on the other side we had to wade back around to our tubes. kristina was worried about the batteries and the water mixing, but our guide assured us "no die" so we felkt safe. good thing because lucky me sacraficed myself to the river gods and plunged in against my will battery and all. and no "no die" i was fine, although a little bruised and my brand new flip flop took off with the currant! well our faithful guide lept to the rescue and chased it down while kristina fished me out of the river. i figured someone had to slip so good thing it was me.

later we floated in tubes back to our guesthouse, about 3 hours on the river. it was over run with people selling beer, floating bars, and places to get out, drink, and jump off of really high platforms into the water. it looked like fun and appealed to my sense of adventure, but i was content to float. anyways they were all crowded with the cheerleaders and jocks of the backpacker world, it looked like spring break.

RIP locals

i have found that there is a certain poibt in time where every long term commitment/re;ationship comes to be tested. after many years the support that was once firm and strong has been worked thin with holes, it isn't quite as comfortable, and the trust is going. but do you really want to move on? there is a comfortbility, an understanding. why give up what you know and therefore love for a future that can't yet be told?
all of this has been going through my mind. as you know if you've been reading my blogs i have a very serious problem in my flip flops. we have been together for several years, we have traveled the world, stepped into several oceans, slipped on numerouse surfaces, squished excotic bugs together...so many memories, is it really time for them to go?
while walking the parade filled streets of chiang mai i suddenly was struck with a sharp angry pain in my right big toe, i jumped and lifted it off the ground only to see a rusty nail hanging from the bottom of flip my right flop. i pulled the nail out, it had gone all the way through the rubber, and inspected my toe for a puncture, dreading the thought of a tetnus shot...when was the last time i had it? how long does it last?
well thankfully the nail didn't break the skin, like seat belts i have a thick calluse that protected the soft part of my foot from the bad collision. so it was deceided then and there, flip and flop were out. they may still love me, but our lives had grown apart, they no longer wanted to support me, and keep me safe, so i had to put them down.
there was some thought in giving the a burial onthe mekong, but that was forgoten as soon as the closest trash bin wasin sight.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

mekong



the mighty mekong. i always had images from apocolyps now whenever i thought of floating down the mekong. it was definitly on my "to do" list while i am in south east asia, and lucky me i spent the last two days on a boat.
it was overall a beautiful and rewarding trip, it tired my body out with out really exerting myself. i am beginning to love boat travel, it would be wonderful to cross an ocean one day by boat, and let the water work its magic...

so i am in lao, it is quiet and beautiful, we will see what the rest of this journey has in store for me.

loy kratong

these are the crazy hot air ballons that made the sky look as if there were new stars. these were being put off by the hundreds...

the parade in chiang mai

























peacocks in her hair, fireworks in the air, beer on the streets!

chiang mai is definitly a party town, these people know how to party. actually this whole country knows how to party, it is theire favorite national past time.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

the cookies have landed

the cookies have arrived and so has kristina. mmmm! yummy chocolaty goodness.
we have moved to the fourth floor of our guesthouse, two beds no hot water, 8 flights of stairs. Chiang Mai is packed with both forginers and thais alike. the streets are crowded with people and vendors, musicans, dancers, it is intense. tonight is supposed to be "the big night" on the river, a parade and shows at every park or wat that can hold a stage. we followed the parade lastnight and went to the river. we boat a little boat made out of orchids and banana leaves, topped off with a candel and incense. you light the incense and candle and float the boat off into the river in thanks of the end of the rainy season, and good luck. it is a beautiful thing to see, hundreds of people lighting little boats and letting them go in the water. there are also these miniture airballons that people light and let float into the sky, i'll have to post some pictures later, this computer isn't letting me upload them. the ballons float higher and higher till it looks like a whole new sky with a million little red stars mapping out new constilations. all this not to mention the fireworks. this is no america, there are no laws as to who can or can't and where and how, it is a free for all. in some respects it is good, some bad.
the fireworks make me recall my favorite 4ths of july. one year at homira's house where you could barely see the fireworks because of the thick cloud of smoke, there were so many fireworks we could have easily gone till the next forth of july setting them off. then there is the good ol oakland loft where the sticks rained down from the sky the fireworks were so plentiful. i think my very favorite was this year with my sister becky and james and the kids. small, funny, and watching my sister scream over the fireworks was more fun than watching them myself.
so yeah it is a war zone out here. this morning i was woken up by fireworks as well as a marching band playing what sounded like theme music to a space ship movie, i almost lept out of my bed with excitment. then at breakfast i watched little kids throw explosives intoo the little river thick with fish. i got so mad i wanted to push the little bastards in, but i have to be sensetive to the culture, and since the parents weren't doing anything i figured i shouldn't either.
kristina and i went and got a pedicure together, and have just been kicking around town. i found somewhere to process my color film and am nervouse to see the results, tommorow i pick them up. tomorrow we head to the thai/lao border and then after that we take a 2 day boat trip down the mekong to laung probang in lao.
so all in all it's been a great week, it is nice to have a traveling companion. i love to travel alone, and for this trip it is good to be alone, but all in all i am tired of doing it alone. one day i will find someone that actually likes to travel like i do. there is just so many amazing things to see and do, and it is so sad that i can only sort of share it through my blog, the only real way to go is to expereince it. i run into so many couples that are traveling for 6months -1year and i think that is the most amazing thing ever.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

tattoo photos

me and my boy blue, ko chang island....
smoke break...


i'm so excited about posting photos!! here are the few i have of my feet before the donation of my camera to cambodia outreach....(thanks ames)

some photos


even the food is cute here.
















where i've been...

what i've seen

the first night here in chiang mai has broken the bank. i found the stash of jewelry, and really i think opium was the cheaper route...

photos... check... check...1-2-3?

so hmmm photos! i'm getting so smart!!!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

cookies on the way

things that will forever say travel in a "developing country"
warm fanta orange in a glass bottel with a straw
princess pink toliet paper that looks and feels like a stucco wall
when my feet suddenly become unrecognizable under layers of dirt, tan, cuts, blisters, and bites
books covered in plastic...
i am in a town called chiang mai, the bus ride wasn't too long, 4hours, but third class on a suprisingly bumpy road for thailand. it was an AC bus, the AC was about 6 chrome fans attached to the ceiling. i am staying by a small strip of man made water. the fish are so abundent in this pond like strip that when you look into it there is little else to see but their thick black bodies rolling under the water.
i have a new guesthouse, i am on the 6th floor and the bathroom is the size of a phonebooth, there is a toliet that touches walls at its front and back, the shower is above it. i'll have to take a picture of it. i feel so large in this country, not like a big in the pants high roller large, but damn let me put on a mumu and stoop over. actually there are plenty of thais larger than me, but after this consistant diet of pad thai i'm glad i'm on the 6th floor...i think i'll be switching to rice!
chiang mai is known for its night market, i am excited and can't wait for the sun to set, i love the night markets, it's like being at the fair, minus the rides and cotton candy.
i spent the last two nights spooning with a cockroach and the past week hanging out with insomnia. i have read some really good books because of it and my yoga and dance practice is flourishing...ohh insomnia you are such a good friend!
i will be here about a week waiting for kristina to come find me, it gives me time to do laundry and run around this really big town.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

asian flair

i've been wandering around the markets here, looking for finds, finding not much.
i think about the money i have, and the time i have left. i think of countless souviners and what ones i still have from trips past. i have already purchased and "lost" several items of clothing, a doller here, three dollars there. i am however becoming more and more tempted to adopt this wild asian flair for dressing.
polk-a-dots, layers and layers of lace and ruffels, stripes in every size and direction...strange cute logos that look as if they've been vomited onto an artical of clothing. i saw a Sam Flores knock off today, so tempted to buy it for what it was and send it to him, tell him he's huge in Thailand, so Soy if you talk to him pass it on.
so far i have resisted, or sort off. i grow weaker and weaker every time i go out, and as my own clothes become smelly, oh so smelly, i eyeball the ridiculous.
i worry for myself. i have never really known where to stop when wild fashion is at hand. i'm never to sure if that is a good or bad thing. i am all for self expression, and if you got style then fuck it, do it, oh and i have style, but...i have some style skeletons in my closet. oh a walk down memory lane brings you kristine in so many different ways, it makes me laugh and that can't be bad.
i love fashion, i love asian fashion. someone please stop me. i think there are 12 step programs for this...i'm glad i live with soy, helping me with my asain bling bling.


i didn't sleep at all last night. i couldn't sleep, at first i just couldn't, then i was reading, then i had a friend come to visit, i started to call him clyde. he was a /is a cockroach and he is sharing my room with me. clyde is quite a large roach and body alone i would say close to my palm size, not counting his feelers. i saw him on the wall, hiding, and it really freaked me out. so i had this great idea, i'll throw a towl on him and throw it into the hall. good idea. so i grabbed a towl, knocked him off the wall, under the towl, and began to ball it up so i could fling it into the hall. Clyde being a cockroach and a descendent of Houdini, easily crawled out and under my bed. i was uncomfertable with him on the wall, but really freaked out with him under the bed.
i used to date this guy, who will remain nameless but he was an oober rich baby, and he used to sleep with the lights on in his apartment because he was afraid of cockroaches. i always hated that, i hate to sleep with any hint of light, but as soon as i turned them off i had a heebee-jeebee fit, lights bach on, i really didn't want to spoon with clyde.
so the lights remained on, but beside that there was some screaming thai sex going on close by...i felt like i was listening to the soundtrack of a really pornographic manga. this litterally stopped and started, but went on for a few hours. and as soon as the chicks voice got really high pitch and loud the dogs in the area started howling. i kid you not. so between the two i simply stayed up, finished my book, did some yoga, some stretching and before you know it it is light outside and i have a coffee shop down the street from my place.
i know the thrills of travel, don't you wish you were me?

Monday, October 30, 2006

3buses later

so here i am...oh where might that be? you ask? well i'm glad you asked, since last i wrote i've taken several bus trips, one was to a little place called Nan. i arrived at 9pm -ish and the town had already been sleeping for a few hours...i tried to blog, wrote my little heart out about bad modes of transportation, and riding in a hotdog cart, but no the connection wasn't having it, bye bye to cyberspace. after that i really didn't have the heart to write.
i have now been on the road for 33ish days and the man next to me just farted SO LOUD, yeah not really a problem here, anyways on the road, some amount of time. the honeymoon period has worn off and believe it or not pad-thai just isn't as tasty as it once was. i did however have a wonderful thai ice tea off the street today, they made it like a fancy bubble drink and it put a pep in my step as i searched for a lonely planet recommended vegetarian resturant. oh i'm in Chaing Rai by the way, Nan was only for a day. you have to worry about a town who has the logo "you'll never know till you go!" yeah well i know and it really wasn't worth it...but i can say i've been!
so yeah traveling traveling. i am at the golden triangle gate way, i gues back in the 60's and 70's this was THE place for opium and heroin. it is still pretty popular i hear, and now also a gateway for meth...fun. i'll be searching out an opium den later tonight and passing the next 5 months there, mom and ded please send money ASAP! heehee just a joke ded...
so yeah not much really, i've been on the look out for jewlery and i've just been really dissapointed, well maybe in Lao, i can't come back empty handed, then the troupe really wouldn't take me back!
i had a ride in the most ass backwards contraption. think of a pushcart, or i imagine one of those hotdog venders in down town, basically a weird box with 2 wheels. this box is surrounded by a metal cage with one side open. then it is propelled by the back half of a motorbike. just the back tire and the seat, it is steered by the man on the bike holding onto the cage, and it has a strange peddle system to stop and go. the passanger of course sits inside the box, and watches through the front as you are flying down the street. what is protecting you from bumps and simply falling forward, out of the box and INSTANTLY getting run over by the cart and the driver? nothing. nothing except for the fear of your life as you hold onto rusty metal bars...not my favorite means of transport, you also get the front line of bugs hitting you in the face. yeah kinda stupid, it's like the opposite of a tuk tuk, they had to do something with all those spare parts!
i think that i will remain here in chaing rai for another day or two and then travel south to chaing mai. kristina has yet again pushed back our meeting date, but she is VERY busy. i'm happy to announce that she was in the 99%-tial in her LSAT scores and is simply perfecting her law school application as i type. i am insanly proud of her and take credit for all her glory, thank you thank you...
so until then travel and i are going to couples therapy and we are trying to work out the "problems" we are having.
uh oh our governator is on tv, time for me to skip out of this internet hole. -xoxoxoxox

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Nan stop

i am off the beaten path, in a little place called Nan, it makes me want to eat indian food, but i think i will be luck with plain rice in a place like this.
it is small and supposidly full of hill tribes, however they look like the rest of the thai's to me. i hear you have to take a trek to go visit their "villages" but that it is more like old town reinactment of what hill tribes were like. i'm trying to find the down and dirty here but it may just be too much tourism. there isn't much english spoken here and my 5 words in thai hardly does the trick, i'll have to dig out my phrase book...only passing the day here, i'm leaving tomorrow to go even further north.
on a wonderful note kristina scored in the 99%-tial on her LSAT, i always knew she was brilliant, and is inindated with law school applications...we will meet up soon and head into Lao together.
the past few days have been temple after temple and rides in tuk tuks that are more like hotdog stands being pushed forward by the back half of a motorcycle, not my favorite way of traveling...not a very smart transport.
the humidity isn't so great up here, or the season is cooling, or both. tourist season is coming up but i am the only person at my guesthouse. i arrived last night at maybe 9pm and the whole town was shut down, they had to wake someone up to let me in. but i did finally have a cave dark silent room and a great night of sleep, so maybe i should stay just for that.
i'll let you know if this town holds any treasures for me!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

head north little lady

i wish i could put you behind my eyes.
rest you on the bridge of my nose.
i want you to see every little thing i am seeing. i want you to understand why i'm here and what i'm doing. i want you to experience with me normal, and not so normal things that now make up my every day, make up my existance at this point and time. my one regret at the moment is in my bad grammer, and fully flawed spelling that keeps you from me, from the me that is the expereience of the thing.

i was trying to hide out in bangkok, i had a cheap room, new where to get cheap food, the only thing that was expensive was the beer, and that by american standards was dirt cheap. i promised myself to hole up, to relax, regroup. i celebrated my one month mark of traveling by staying in my guest house and promising myself that i would watch movie after endless movie played on the tv's there.
the morning started out great, Bring it on a cheerleading movie was the first on the list, just the thing for me. i reviled and relived my highschool cheerleading days, getting drawn in and excited by the miindless junk flashing before me. i drank beer and ate french fries, i sweated and looked at my journal, pretending to write, pretending i had something to write. the second movie came on, 50 first dates another flick i'd never seen and was happy about my mindless state, getting more mired in brainless relaxation.
then of course out of the blue i meet an old friend. old friend in backpacking terms meaning we;ve meet before. down south in ko chang, a french-canadian write called Gi-on, okay good luck with kristines hooked on phonics, doesn't work for me, so he sits and he talks and he is headed for india tonight. we are staying at the same guest house and he talks to me through half the movie. he is a nice so i talk back. we then end up going all through the ghetto of bangkok searching for an elusive vegetarian resturant, it is never found. we eat cheap paid thai and get stuck in a sudden rain storm...my day of rest turns into one of adventure. our number increases as we are joined by a german girl working in bangkok. i really just want to throw my lazy body down somewhere and not be required to give any responses. i struggle with that action and am rewarded with secrets of the neighbrhood that will serve me well when i return to bangkok.
hours later it is time for him to leave. i say good bye, and talk about meeting him in india, then thankfully i am on my own.
i board a bus the next day for Aythua, a couple of hours norrth of bagkok. the tuk tuks have turned into sharks because with the insurgance of toourists they smell fresh blood. i hear several lies, and am constantly overcharged, i have to walk over a block away from my area before i get a decent price to the bus station, and even then it is a barganing war..
the rest is easy, uneventful. in aythua i find a shithole of a guesthouse, i head out walking and am lost for a few hours, only to hire a motorbike and find that i was almost there, i am charmed by a thai boy with a british accent to eat at his resturant, afterwards he wants me to stay stay with him. my thick skull doesn't really get it at first until he spells it out for me. oh, duh, like stay stay with you...not likely. i fabricate wild stories to him, and other annoying boys about a husband, a boyfriend, a family at home. it get's kinda fun sometimes, but then i have to be careful and not get my lies tangled up. i tell tales to them of different lives i wish i had, different dreams to cast into the future. it is interesting, when questioned, to see what i really want in my future, how do i feel when i tell thwem of this phantom husband, what do i turn him into, what do i really imagine to myself. it has turned into a fun game.
but Aythua...first day i was lost, first day i took a boat ride and felt as if i was weightless and glidong above the water without the help of the boat,. second day i got up early, before the heat, i rented a bicycle and took to the streets. my fate was in my hands as i drove through traffic, it was scary, the bike was old, there are no helmets, and it had handbrakes unlike my plush cruiser at home.
i saw temples and wats and elephants and beauty. i sat for a break and was accosted by a kittenm that would have easily fit in my shoe. it was stil;l so young and clean, it launched itself into my lap and promptly fell asleep, i was contented.
i left that day for Sukothai, and here i am. more Wats to see tomorrow at dawn, the heat of the day makes it a sad place to venture about. so north and north and north i go. i'm to meet kristina on november 2nd in chaing mai, so until them i will make a tour of the area. sukothai has so much to see, such a nice place to relax.
more later...

Sunday, October 22, 2006

pickpockets and the long road home...

wow so i'm back from Cambodia...i have a little story to tell you and you might think it's a wee bit crazy, but it is all true.
so Cambodia i had a REALLY hard time getting into the country, if you're keeping up on my blogs you know this, but i wanted to give it a chance. i mean supposidly God was living here so i had to give it a chance. i went, i saw, i photographed. i was having a delima trying to decieded to go east or west, thailand or veitnam. on my last day i saw some distant temples and spent so much time on a motorcycle that i rather wished i haddn't done the trip, the road was rather rough and my legs and ass are just not used to prolonged motorcycle travel. the end of the tour only took half a day and i had the rest to spend in town buying presents for all you lovelies at home.
as stated previously there is a large begger population in cambodia, and unfortunatly it is the children that swarm you and grab you and tell you they're hungry. well being the huge child lover my first reaction is to kick them or push them, knock them to the ground and make them cry, anything to keep them away from me. well i just really wanted to fight that urge so instead i was trying to have a little fun with them and talk to them. well that wasn't a very good idea either, because somewhere between touching the little street vermin and packing my bag to leave the next day my camera was so skillfully removed from my backpack. those little fuckers. i went out into the night and asked at my hotel, i asked at the resturant i had been in earlier, i searched the street for those dirty little kids, and found nothing. they were good and i was dumb, and for my stupidity i spent today shopping and spending $150 on a new digital camera. part of me wanted to resist, not to buy one because i just bought this one for my trip, but really who would that be punishing? so all the pictures i've been promising you, they aren't going to happen. a month of tourist snapshots down the drain. me getting my feet tattoooed, angkor wat, countless bus rides.
so bad taste in my mouth on the last night in cambodia, after that i was hurt and upset and ready to blow this pop stand.

the next day 6am. insomnia is a bed hog and i had been tossing and turning through the night waiting for some reason to get out of bed and leave the hard twin mattress to it. sunrise was reason enough. i got up, i searched for the camera thinking i had simply done what? misplaced it? i searched several times...no luck. i hefted my pack, weighed down by a few new purchases, and headed down to wait for my 7am bus. there are already 2 canadians waiting and i leave my pack with them and go to get some fresh bread and water for my trip. the bus trip from siam reap to bangkok is supposed to take like 8hours, about 4hours to the boarder and about 4hours from the border to bangkok.
if you have ever traveled by bus in asia, or any 3rd world country you will no that no rules apply. they never leave at a certain time, unless you are late, and they never ever arrive when they say they will, and the trip is always longer than you are told.
so the 3 of us pile on a semi decent bus at 7.30 and leave to pick up the rest of the passangers. all the passengers are backpackers, and of course it takes another hour to get them on the bus, figure out we don't have room for everyone, try and figure out who doesn't belong, where are the bags going, etc. so finally we leave, but then we stop to get the driver breakfast, then we have to pick up several cambodian friends that lounge in the isla, then we have to stop for gas, and then we just stop for the sake of stopping. then we go.
we are on the road for maybe an hour, getting out of the city into the country side, it goes from pavement to rumbeling dirt, and then it stops. or we stop. there is a traffic jam ahead. a traffic jam that is so large and has been there so long that a few entrupenurs have set up shaks and are selling food and drinks. what's the problem? well flooding, flooding that the government and the bus companys know about, but sell forginers "un-refundable" bus tickets anyways. so there we are about 25-27 backpackres sitting in a bus waiting fo something to happen. there is a huge line of buses and trucks ahead of us, so the driver turns off the engine and gets out like he is suprised. so we all get out. there are about five good sized buses and trucks stopped in front of us full of other tourists and local people, we walk past them to where the water starts. we now have a running river infront of us about 30yrds across, and there are two trucks that decieded to drive on the side of the road in the water and have sunk half way. they are blocking the road.
so we sit for hours, while they try to move the trucks, this consists of nothing. cambodians scratching their heads, looking at the trucks and doing nothing. there is a french woman with us who is getting angry, she needs to get to bangkok tonight, she is mad. being an american i'm like, hey i paid my $ they have to get me there, plus i have time on my side. i sit i chat , i am unworried. the french woman goes to work. i suggest we do a passanger swap with a bus on the otherside of the river, she wades across for info. but no no passenger swap, instead the driver stummbels onto this magical idea, he just happens to have a friend parked right next to us with a dumpster like tractor, that has been there since before we got there, and if we each pay an additional $10 dollars his friend will take us to the border, money up front of course.
we are mad, and don't want to pay, especially before we get to the border, we argue with the driver, a lot of people are told to fuck off and go back to siem reap, i think this situation is funny, but definitly don't want to go back. we decieded that the french woman will hold the money and once we are at the border the driver can have it. so we go. we take the route directly between the two stranded trucks, which were going the same way as eachother so who knows why they decided to veer off the road and into a deep ditch when it was obviously flooded. so there we are, out in the bright sunshine, i had left off my sunblock for the day because it has been hurting my eyes, and in good faith i assumed i'd be inside a bus all day, all the bags are under us and we use them as cushions, i'm thanking God that i pulled my mamiya out of my big bag and packed it in my day pack this morning. i fell sad as i think of my film getting pressed out of shape as someones ass is resting on my bag at the moment, but there is nothing i can do. we cross the first river with sucess, and the crowd cgeers as if we have performed some biblical like mirical, we have crossed.
in the next oh 6hours we will cross aproximatly 15more rivers. our truck humps and bumps and knocks us into eachother, there is nothing to hold onto, nothing to hide under. i take my wrap out from my bad and kiss it. i twist it around my body and my face, i feel like a muslim woman in rhinestone glasses and i hide from the sun.
our truck is not infaliable and gets stuck twice, we all jump out only to find ourselves in thigh high waters, the tires spin uselessly. the first time there is another tractor near that pushes us to the shore, the second time we push us out of the ditch. out of the truck into the water, walk to shore, into the truck, drive a few minutes, out of the truck, into the water, push the truck, hang onto the camera, walk to the shore, get in the truck.
we finally reach an impass. it is what i imagine closed borders to look like when people are trying to flee. they are all dirty and tired, possessions strung around their bodies. we are tired and dirty, we gather our bags, our meager possesions and we are told to walk, there will be two trucks waiting for us. so we beging to walk. my pants are already soaking wet so i don't bother to roll them, i heft my bag, clutch my camera and remove my flip flops. the current of the river makes it hard for me to walk in my shoes, it trys to pull them away from me with every tiny step, but when i take them off i am trapped betwen a bed of sharp rocks and a bed of clay so smooth and slippery i slide with every little step. this is no good. no good at all. i find a shallow spot, i put the shoes back on, the current fights me for them. it grabs my left flop and pulls the toe piece out of the foot pad, it dangles and threatens to carry it away, i drag my left foot quasi-moto like behind me until i reach dry ground. the trucks are waiting.
there are two small toyotas waiting, we pile the bags in, people jam into the cab, jam into the bed. i hop on the roof of the cab with he canadian i had meet earlier, proped up on bags my scranny ass sits directly on a crisscrossed metal roof rack. we are told we have 2.5 hours till the border.
now imagine if you will the movie grease, remeber the bad guy with the poc marked face? well take his face and flatten the contures of it into a road, a road with potholes so deep you could lose a kitten in them. that was our road, that was the 2.5 hours to come with several other rivers to cross.
the novilty of riding on the roof quickly wore off. i sat backwards feeling out journy before i actually saw it, the road dwindeling. i never new when we were about to cross water until we slowed, slowing was a bad sign. it ment bumps, it ment throwing me to one side, into a canadian, or throwing me to the other, towards the edge i already had my feet dangeling over.
i had to close my eyes, i had to focuse on my hands, my fingers, keeping grip on metal bars that bit into them. i had to twist my body as my weight constantly was thrown, my back and my but and my legs bouncing into the roof rack, my feet looked for somewhere to rest somewhere to help me hold my weight, hold my place. my mantra became almost there almost therealmosttherealmostthere. they wouldn't even stop for us to pee, so i doubted they'd stop for me to change seats, and who would want to change anyway? we looked like a buncj of refuges 12 of us in the back of this truck. i watched as the other forginers turned lobster red from the sun and then a sick unreal orange as their sweat was combined with the dirt from the road. i wrapped my wrap tighter, and crossed it over my face tucking part of it in my mouth so i could hold on with both hands. my day pack sat in frot of me, arms looped backwards through the holes, my arms getting rubbed raw from the rougher part of the straps.
i tried to become very zen with it, very in the moment, and actually it worked, it was fun and adventourous and it would make a good story, but fatigue began to set in and i just prayed i didn't let go.
we did eventually make it to the border, and across. i never thought i would be so glad to see thailand. waiting for us was a double decker luxery bus, a bus with seats so plush that streched so far back i thought i was in heaven. a bus that palyed us movies for the next five hours as we wound our way into bangkok. o loved this bus, i could have cried when i got on this bus and curled up in a seat.
we got into bangkok late last night, about midnight. i showered, i drank, i ate cheap pad thai, it was all a girl could ask for.
today i stayed in my pajamas till 3pm, i brushed my teeth in my room and spit into an empty beer can so i wouldn't have to walk down the hall to the toliet. my body is sore and i think i will hide out here till i'm ready to brave a bus again.
so in closing i really hate to say, i hate cambodia, but the verdict is still out on that one. Cambodia was definitly an experience, overall, except for the camera, a pretty funny one. but i fell as if we are star crossed lovers, it is my romeo, and maybe i should just relish the time i had but stay far far away from it.

Friday, October 20, 2006

aaahhh mom not another wat! or cambodian cookies.

oh good lord i have reached a temple limit. no more, i've had my fill and my brain is full.

God was not at any of those places either. i saw a massacre of butcherd buddhas, and a whole town of grubby children trying to sell me everything from a seed i'm supposed to eat to british pounds.
i've spent the past three days on a motor bike, and my ride today was to far reaching temples on bad roads. the ride was long, and if i closed my eyes i could easily imagine that i was on the back of a mechanised bull, except for my öh shit!" handle was under my butt. there was a time or five that i thought i would be thrown off, but i have a really strong grip.

this morning was a zombie ride, i think i took two pictures and couldn't even tell you the names or even what the wat's looked like.

i secured myself a bus this morning, i'm about to go fast and meditate and get myself ready for another boarder crossing. the final decision, the piece of lint that tipped the scales between east and west, you may wonder what it is...

i really wanted some chocolate last night. i have a huge sweet tooth, and have been fighting it off, valintly, but last night i gave in. i found one of theose random shops with single rolls of toliet paper, dried squid, pringles imitations where the first ingrident is MSG, and random jelly in a ball flavors. i found one of them and they had a box of chocolate chip cookies. yumm i think, i will have some for the bus tomorow, whichever bus i was taking.
so i bought them, and put 1/4 of one in my mouth. now how could a cookie be horrid? like so bad i won't even give them to street children. i wouldn't even swallow this one. i choked and spit it on the street where all other garabage goes when in cambodia.

so the scale tipping for me? kristinas going to make my favorite cookies! yeah i'm a tough one i know. cookies. i of course have to wait 10 days or so but hey, it's good to have something to look foward to.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

wanderings

so i came here to wander, and to wonder, at everything.
i really didn't put much planning into it, i would arrive and figure it out.
so now i have to make a choice east vs. west? which way to go?
i have a day to do it.
i think in the long run it really won't matter, if i did or if i didn't. i could quote some wonderful travel quote here that i have snuggled into the part of my brain that should be doing long division, but i have been doing long division in my head so it isn't complete.
so i'll spare you.

hmmm where would you go if you where me?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

rockstar

when i first arrived in cambodia i let myself get overwhelemed by the constant crowd of people trying to get my attention.

but then i thought, hey it's like i'm a fucking rockstar. i pull up on a huge bus, people are there holding signs, waving and pointing at me, sure they have hotel names instead of "we love you kristine!" written on them. but they want me. they all want me. they bang on the windows and point at me, i choose who out of the crowd is gonna drive me to my hotel tonight.

as i walk down the street they gather around me, they touch me, they ask me questions, sure it's usually "hey lady you buy t-shirt one dolla"and not""wow kristine how is it that you fucking rock so hard, will you sign my stomach.

but it's pretty much the same thing.

fly paper or sesame seed bars

i am sitting in an interenet cafe staring up at a strip of fly paper, that oddly enough from this distance looks like a sesame seed bar. there are hundreds of small bugs floating around, and one or two large mosquitos i am trying to keep my eye on.

so i spent my first day fearlesly riding a motorbike around the heavenly temples of angkor wat. the ruins are breathtaking, the ascent to the top is enough to make a nervous man loose his lunch, and the descent is felt to be near impossible. the steps are thin, even for my small feet, and then add in the wind, and the rain storn that started when i was at the shelter of the highest peek, you have a lovely morning.
i could see so much from the landing. just amazing temples and reliefs carved into stone hundreds of years old.
headless buddhas littered all the temples i saw, decapitated for money, sold for a profit over the thai border. cambodia is working to replace all these heads, but there are so many missing.

so i looked for god today, and despite the unparalle beauty of this sacred sight i think there were too many tourists there, too many stands selling $1 cambodia t-shirts, too many kids pawing and screaming for you to buy their books. if disnyland is americas disneland and kyoto is japans disneyland angkor wat is definitly cambodias disneyland. don't get me wrong i LOVE going to disneyland, but i don't think god really digs it so much.

i have two more days paid to to explore, it is a hefty ticket price to get into this joint...

i was going to write more but little nats are falling on me like snow, i have about twenty of them enjoying their final rest in my lap at the moment, make it 25. i wonder how many more will tangle in my greads and decompose there? eww.

i woke up this morning with the sweet flavor of a well loved life on my tounge. i had wonderful dreams last night, and a quiet room...i have an endless amount of time to wander, and feel as if i am finally setteling into my own skin again.

Monday, October 16, 2006

taking a bus to see God or tracking time by my roots

i leave at 6.30 am for angkor wat tommorow and am interestedto meet up with God.

i felt like my last post was pretty grim so i didn't want everyone to think i was having a horrid time. it is the breath of travel, the in and the out. you have to have the good with the bad, and sometimes the good is the bad and vice versa.

i think it is fitting that God or Buddha or Whomever is on my list for the week. i have been travelig for three weeks now and the new car smell is faded away to the green tea sadly spilt into the floor matts. the toughts ad emotions that spured me to leave my lovely home are at my throat and have me in their grips.

i have been having a resurgence of lovely memories from my relationship with jason and they are breaking my heart. they are the most wonderful things, the essence of what life is made of, but i don't want them. i don't know what to do with them, i reall don't think i can get rid of them, they are part of me, as sure as a layer of skin, but i don't want tem anymore.

i want to move on with my life. so why can't it be as easy as washing my hands, or throwing away a tissue? why is it a coating, a tattoo that you pay for lazer removal? but it is something you cannot see, and cannot touch that bites you in the ass when you least expect it. hence my TMI entry a little it ago.
i am good at filling my life with distractions...i am the distraction queen, yet i'm not so great at what? forgetting?

i wanted y relationship to end, i of course ended it, but it doesn't mean i wanted to lose everything tht went with it...but that's what it has to mean.
i think there should be a yearly award for shaking up a life and i nominate myself.
i wouldn't have it anyother way...but that doesn't mean i'm not still dealing with it.

i feel cheated. i know i'm not the only one. i feel sad. and i feel a little stunned that it wasn't something we could work through...but how do you work through the loss of the essential love?
i also feel the loss of my friend the most, i have never been one to be friends with my old lovers, i just don't know how to do that. i am to posessive, too much of a bitch.

but i am going to go and visit with God and one of the eight wonders of the world.

this place is a photographers wet dream, i have already used a great portion of my film, and am hoping i can find some 120 around here...

the roots of my hair are growing out, i think i will use that to measure my time here. only 3 weeks, but that time has flown. it has been a gecko filled dream with spike licking my face in the end...

Sunday, October 15, 2006

hell-aday in cambodia ir the phantom spider

so i'm in cambodia and i;m gonna keep it short and messy because i'm on a keyboard with almost no letters, and yes dial up...

wow i heard that God lives in cambodia but so far my experince here blows. really it is just the painfully bad border crossing and border town.

it is a panicky feeling, like a mis-srep in a pool, or a rouse wave that tumbles you over and under face planting you in a sand bar before spitting you onto the beach bikini falling off. it is running the gaumet from the thai border throughe no man's land and into the extreme poverty of cambodia itself.

i was ripped off at the border for the price of my visa, i was surrounded and intemidated by cambodian men wanting me to through money out to them for doing nothing. it was the overwhelming rush of sick chilkren and amputees grabbing me, begging as i am lead into the police station by police wearing undershirts flip flops and gold chains. it id my motor blke driver wanting to give me a tour of a shit hole border town, it is pressure of changing $$ and getting ripped of ny the rates. it is commen practice of crossing into a third world country that i had forgotten about. it is my driver trying to make me pay for toll crossings and then demanding a tip from me. it is walking around in my fair skin with my back pack making me a target of welth in a poor poor country.
i do feel for these people, the poverty here is devistating, but at the same time it is a hell of a game to play.
it could have been worse, but it could have been better. it is a game that i had forgotten the rules to, but it's okay.

i forget that in 3rd wolr, poor 3rd world shit doesn't work, they are not on an american time standard, and they want your money more than anything.

the 10 hour bus ride through the country that looked as if it was created by landmines calmed me. the friendliness of the villagers at the numerouse ferry crossings helped sooth me, and finally wandering the streets of phnom phen has relaxed me.

so no worries, espically to me very worried sisters, life is lovely again.

i am taking a motorcycle tour of the city and going to see the killing fields. there is so much amazing history to this place, so much amazing things happenng today.

oh the spider...as many of you know i HATE spiders, i just can't say enough about that. in the first hout of our drive a wpman upfront started yelling stop stop!

we pulled over and she described this "spider" that sounded more like a tarantula...yeah i wawtched the floor as much as i watched the roadside. luckily the spider wasn't spotted again, i think i would have gladely gone through the window if it had been near me.

someone told me that God lives in Angkor waht, i'm planning on goiung there tomorrow and finding him.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

TMI interlude

so here i am doing what i set out to do, and what is that exactly? i think a lot of you may be confused as to what i really am doing, well join the club.

so at the moment i am living in a hut and swiming in the warm waters in the gulf of thailand, and mostly when it's not raining staring at the water. yup just sitting there staring at the water. i was hoping that the ocean would give me answers, but i am the only one that can give me answers. the ocean is very good at taking my thoughts and washing them so far out to sea i can't hear them anymore, that is nice. but one thing i realized is it can't make me still. i mean physically i can lay in a hammock all day staring at that lovely point where the water and the sky meet and my little hamster is still in its wheel running around like it's on crack. so how to still that?

it is amazing the kind of thoughts that surface when you sit around staring at the water. i think i could spend the rest of my life doing this and never run out of thoughts and memories and questions. the mind is limitless, and i have always had a really bad memory, so i'm amazed at the things i am remembering. it would be amazing to see how long my sister jen could sit and think because she has the best memory i know of. the pesto kids? huh?

so of course because i am single now i've been putting a lot of thought into all my past relationships, especially the recently past, and thinking of future relationships. i've figured out that i have been basically in a relationship fot the past 13yrs, not the same one granted but moving quickly from one to the other. and the wonderful saying "the quickest way to get over someone is to get ontop of someone else" continually surfaces in my mind. i mean it is definitly true, be it a rebound or an honest to god relationship that lasts for some time. i mean i've definitly done it, several times in the past. so it is refreshing to now be starting my 5th month as a single person. of course by traveling i take myself out of temptations way, but whatever...

all i'm saying is that this is a new feeling, like taking the training wheels off of a bike. don't get me wrong, i love being in love, i love being in the right relationship, i don't particularly like being single, but i'm okay with it. it has it's perks. it is also giving me a clear veiw in looking at myself in a relationship, because when you're in one you can't really see what's going on all that clearly, at least i can't. also the baggage. why would i want to carry a dead boyfriend with me into something new and alive? i have a hard time letting things go, truely letting them go. it is an adams girl trait i think, almost like a challange, and when we have that object in our teeth and the desire to hang on, we are hard press to let it go, even when letting go is best.

so maybe that is why i'm here. to let go. or to grab hold of all the amazing things that exist. i love traveling because it alters me as a person, it refreshes and amazes me and makes me happy to return home where my real friends and the things of substance are still waiting for me.

it hurts to bet on a horse that didn't even race. you feel foolish, you feel like your judgment will never be accurate again. i mean i know that's not true, life is life and as you continue on in one direction it is the right direction. i feel like i am going the right direction. i feel like a sleepwalker that has suddenly woken up in the middle of a grocery store during the 6pm rush. i am a little startled but amazed at the sudden varity to life, the color and the smells. it is something i would have had a hard time doing at home.

it was funny when i meet up with kristina she commented on the fact that i looked the same as last time i saw here ie; my hair was the same, style of clothes. it made me laugh and i told her everything else in my life has changed this time, so my apperance is the only thing that remained the same. i think it comes with being happy with who i am. i mean as a person both physically and mentally. there is of course always room for improvment and maybe some new goals and a sense of direction, but i still have some time to go before i'm home.

so okay that was my TMI interlude blog. i'm still a dumbass with posting photos but i'll figure something out.

those of you on myspace can see some flicks there. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

toe by toe or how i almost saw a tsunami

so here i am lost in paradise, or someone told me it was paradise and i believed them. i guess it's really not their fault because cheap ass that i am i am traveling during the "off" season. so you read about the trek out here. well the next day i woke, bug free and was happy.hmmm i should really refresh my old blogs befor i begin writing because i forget where i left off.

well anyways i have this great hut that the water almost runs under, it's got a big hard bed that leans so the first night i woke up curled up at the end of it, last night i put my head there and slept alright. the sheets have flowers on them and the mosquito net is princess pink and i can sleep with the door and windows open and listen to the ocean. last night i had some room mates, two geckos both as long as my elbow to my finger tip, and a moth the size of my hand. they weren't much for talking but they listen really well.

so last night was the start of season crazy stoner bash at the place i was staying, so i left early and went back to my hut to swing on my own private hammock, that's when the rain rolled in. i mean it rained the night i arrived, and then yesterday morning, but last night it RAINED! all night long well into the morning. when i say morning i mean like 11am straight down pour. i heard that on the mainland of thailand 2 people drowned from the floods. i thought about ditching the island because all i was seeing was weird old men and cool hemp art but after hearing about the flooding and thinking of the long road back into thailand i opted to stay and wait the stoem out.

also i had a tattoo apointment for this morning so i couldn't bounce out on that.

well back to the rain. i have nothing better to do so i lay in a hammock for about 20hrs a day, swinging back and forth staring at the sea. i am also reading this AMAZING book called the tibetan book of living and dying and loving it! but part of the book talks about how buddhists imagine their death, to prepair for the fact that you can never really know when death is coming for you, or coming for others. so the storm starts and all i can think about is tsunamies. this was a really bad storm. the sky was black as well as the water, and the wind was physically shaking my hut, shaking the trees, blowing people over. the waves were getting really high and i watched nervously from the commen deck are for the water to get pulled way way back just once...i was eyeballing the room for something to hold onto and wondering exactly how long i could hold my breath. i'm such a chicken, but of course i wasn't worried enough to get out of my hammock

so the storm persisted through the night, and hence my lovely bedfellows.

so i get up this morning to the storm ragging and i head out for breakfast and then over for my tattoo.

yeah traditional thai bamboo tattoo. can i just say that having really sensetive feet i should have re-thought the toe tattoo. this shit hurt like a mother fucker, but it's done with. my mantra was "stabstabstabstabstabstabstabstab" and then it was inturrepted with "toe by toe buddy just take it toe by toe"
my tattoo artist was really nice and his wife and daughter hung out with me, his wife spoke english but he didn't say much. i think my favorite part was when he was smoking while tattooing me. i have a picture of that.

well fortunatly the rain stopped and i had some really spicy food. i'm trying to work up a tolerance while here but baby steps...i think i feel down the stairs with the last meal and have plumped up botox lips to prove it. ugh kids, thai kids with screaming loud voices. yuck. okay i'm going to try and post pictures of me being tattooed, let's see if i'm lame enough or what. xoxoxoxoxo