Saturday, October 20, 2012


Let me just open with I just want people to dance what they want to dance, enjoy life an be happy!

That said I am in San MIguel de Allende and it is an ATS and ITS festival and a lovely hafla filled with a lovely community and it's all very confusing.

Can we all dance together?
WEll in the same way that I can mimic someone on the dance floor and shake my booty.
Can I perform ATS with them?
Mostly no.

I performed with Sharon Kerr here fpr my show and honestly that was awesome, we did a great job and rocked it, and she was able to puill her ATS apart from her ITs and we had a great time of it, I think we did really really well.

But for the rest of it?
It's frustrating, I want to be able to dance, to be part of the community, but I feel outside because I don't speak the language, and then others dance with me and 90% of the time it is just awkward and uncomfortable.

The skill level of ATS varies too.
And then my judgment is colored by my moods too.

Sunday, October 07, 2012

Just parted ways with a lovely Australian.

I really just wanted to run away, live in his van and have his babies.

I also ate meat today.

What's happening here.

october 4th 2012

I’ve been spending the last week with a lovely Australian man. I am afraid to admit to myself that my search for world dominance is really a cover up, what I truly long for is the life I am being shown right now. Living on the road, in the back of a van, traveling in the cuts of the world with someone awesome, I’ve even thought how nice it would be to start a family.
I’m not saying that this person is the basket I’m putting my eggs in, but if I could find someone like him that wanted the same thing that would be heaven for me.

He is a lovely spirit on his own path and I am so thankful for the time we have together but i feel myself getting attached, and I am fighting it, reminding myself of the reality of the situation.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

catching up on the ladies

So here I am in Mazatlan. A/C, wifi an coffee by my side.

It's taken me about a month to make it through Baja, give or take a few days and what a great time! It was hot, I got bratty, I danced, I drank and I slept in.

I want to do a break down about the dancers I've meet here.

Alejandra in Mexicali, young sweet, just marrie. I was locked into her house during the day, which kinda sucked but kinda ok since there was nothing to do there or around there during the day. The studio was lovely, with not good enough A/C to make my life easy. The group of girls was small, only 4, and at first there was a really big barrier between us but about day 2 or 3 it broke down and we began to bond, and they also began to bond with each other.
They were definitely beginners so despite the fact that we had certain workshops planned I had to throw that all out the window and start from the beginning.
It's a real challenge to get ladies to a point where they feel comfortable in the movements so they can start working with each other. There was a lot of fear and ego there and I interpreted it as an unwillingness to learn the movements, like they were only taking the course because Alejandra wanted them to and not because they really wanted to. I'm not sure how accurate that was but who ever knows what another person is really thinking.

I didn't end up doing a show in Mexical, and that's ok, it was hot and I was really tired just coming from the sprint that was Seattle and LA and then launching. My left hip felt like murder and my right knee was beginning to give me problems because  I was compensating when I walked.

The quick meal we had before I got on the bus was Mexicali's legendary chinese food, the first thing so far that killed my stomach, and of course there I am giant bags with a silver turn style door to pay your way into the bathroom.
a lady seemed to read the pain on my face and offered to watch my bag, sadly at this time I forgot to that I needed to bring my own TP with me...let's just say it was a little messy!

Mexcali to Ensenada. Long cold but lovely bus ride. I sink into my own, fell confident in my loneliness, my wandering.

I arrive at Ensenada, great party hostel, easy atmosphere, the ease of change like the warming of a bath. I relaxed, I partied like I was 18 again and I ate up the day with easy conversation, reading and street food. Made some great friends in the hostel, went to La Bufadora, it was eh but a great ride out there etc.

after La Bufadora I was ready to get out of Ensenada but eating my time waiting for Joie to come visit.  After a week I decided to catch the night bus to Muelege.

I arrive at Mulege,  kinda blows, very third world, very hot, very poor and people eyeballing me like a turkey on Thanksgiving day. I hooked up with the one tour guide to see some cave paintings and he was annoying, little to no respect I felt..

~~~insert more~~~~

talk about Loreto


super lovely, amazing, mello. accepted me with open arms, we did lots of fun things, she is just getting her home studio and website rolling, I think she'll do well.


wish we got along but i found myself feeling very jealous and angry with her. she seemed so skinny pretty and perfect and I don't know I've been really really down on myself and my appearance lately .Also I just felt jerked around, I'm teaching, I'm not teaching, then I'm teaching but last minute I'm not. She's very busy and likes to say a lot but deliver very little. Her oldest daughter is 14 and lovely but her other two kids are 5&6 and they are brats, so glad to be away from them and her rich girl problems.

ATS isn't strong in Baja, not sure if it will stick in Mexicali I hope so but I am doubtful. I think the best bet is Nayeli starting it up in Cobo. So it would seem that despite the love a few ladies have there isn't much dedication here very little community happening.

Friday, September 07, 2012

Dear self please remember it is okay to have bad days, and not necessarily pull through to happiness and victory at the end of the day.
Let the day run it's course whatever that may be.

Love you!
I've been fighting a lot of demons today.

They have no faces or names, but they are mighty powerful, perhaps more so since they cannot be clearly identified.
I woe in the night, my face on fire with itching, I woke again in the morning to a rash on my upper lip, under my nose, and all the area below.

I don't know what it is, a heat rash, a reaction to something I got on my face, a bug in the night. all I know is that it attacks me in my weakness, my vanity.
Half the time I think I am beautiful, and half the time I can't stand to look at my self in a mirror, lately, sadly, it's been more the later.
The sun has been making me dark and splotchy, age is showing unkindly an the heat keeps me from putting anything masking, I can't hide from time.
So now I have dry scaly scaling with little crystalline bumps that come off under my nails.

I feel poorly as well, if it because I am sick or because I haven't eaten much today I'm not sure. I try to rest and I shake, I try to practice and I'd rather gnaw on my arm, I am truly a cage holding angry demons.

Yesterday I was full of love and light and hope, today I am on the opposite of the coin.

I sat to meditate and needed a mental machete, after about 10 mintes of angry struggle I got up and did furious yoga. Magically my mind melted away as I put my body through paces and after some time I was able to sit down and go back at it.

This time I feel like I meet with some success.

I feel into a place mentally that is so much vaster than I am, and subdued the demons for a time.

I was able to practice some more dance, find some calm.

I wonder what this struggle is really about.

I wonder if I will ever figure it out.
It's hotter than hell outside with 20x's the humidity. I am losing the war against mosquitos and my body holds itchy mounds of each battle lost. My face has become permanently dirty, or is that a tan? I wander the streets for coffee in the morning, hide in my AC room during the day and escape again at night when the overbearing sun moves on to torture someone else's realty. I've bought myself a wicker fedora and braid my hair, my hopelessly romantic side envisioning the aesthetics of The Lover. I will stay hidden away today.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

i think it's going to be a long night with no company but these demons in my head.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I am making peace with the hair, and honestly don't really even see the grey anymore. I'm hoping it was a fluke, and as my soul becomes unfettered on the road, and the stress of my life is reduced that the grey will fade.
I am in some ways growing younger.

Or maybe that's wrong, I just equate young with carefree and happy, but I've never truly been care free and happy, I've always been a worrier, living ten steps ahead, dreaming, and since you can't plan much while your on the road that avenue of worry has been taken away from me. I can still dream though and  am kept firmly in the moment.

now off to explore. 

Monday, August 27, 2012

first bus, bust or blues

The first week in Mexicali is done. I am packed and waiting for my host Alejandra to come home from school so we can grab a meal and she can take me to the bus.

So far on my trip I feel like I have been passed off with kid skin gloves, this is both good and unsatisfying. I have been looked after and well taken care of, I have spent very little money and want to pull my hair out.
The old angst is gnawing at me.

I want to be further and farther than I am, away from "home" and the things that haunt me, am I running away from myself?
Perhaps it is just time and separation that I need to see with clear eyes who and what I truly am.

I am craving the need for hard work, adversity, just a little not too much, just enough to distract me from longing, useless attachment, and the wasting of my time with dreaming about something that never really was or will be.

I am searching, as we are all, for my happiness. I don't think that happiness lies outside of me, I am a true believer that it is an internal source, but sometimes you have to push your boundaries and change your setting to help you find it achieve it.

For me my greatest deficiency is my lack of a relationship.

I feel so successful in so many other walks of life yet here I am single.
I wish it didn't eat away at me as much as it does, but it does. It is always there, my constant companion. How can I ever be lonely with loneliness by my side?

I try to understand my problem, to choose wiser, but no luck....
I think I've become one of theose girls that the girl that comes after me is the new GF... I wonder what that's about.

It happened with most of them, and long relationships too. Kenan, Kenneth, Dave, Jason is always in a new relationship, and now Rich...whose to say with him but I wouldn't be surprised.

Well enough about that, those are my main ghosts, the big piece of the puzzle, and I really hope that this stirring of the energy as I seek far and wide, will help me on my way.

So packing up my anxieties like tiny little children into the bag on my back and heading out.